ManVice: “Hey Nutjob take off the Van Halen T-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up”

We all know there are some crazy ass chicks out there.   Listen, if you have to say “no, she is actually really cool” nine times out of ten you have Freddy Krueger himself as a girlfriend.  Luckily for you, there are some tell tale signs  that are routinely overlooked.

1. She stalks you. “Hey babe, I didn’t know you were in this Fantasy Football league too!” 😐

2. She needs constant attention. “Look at me, Look at me!!”

3. She gets physical during arguments. (touching you should be strictly back rubs or some type of porn star quality act)

4. She makes paranoid assumptions. “Who was that?” “Why were you late?” “Let me smell your underwear” 😐

5. She is extremely jealous. “Why is that waitress smiling at you?”

If you spot even just 1 of these 5, break up with her asap.  VIA TEXT

You will thank me later

Doc

ManVice: Screw me once…

It’s an old  saying, but it always reigns true. Screw me once shame on you… Screw me twice shame on me.

If you have a “friend” that joined your fantasy league and never paid when he lost in the first round of the playoffs, don’t invite him the following year. If you go to a bartender and they pour you a weak drink, the second will be just as bad.  If you’re dating a girl and she cheated on you once… she is a cheating whore that does not deserve a second chance.  Live your life by this simple rule and you will be a better man for it.

You will thank me later

Doc

ManVice: The GOLD DIGGER

I have traveled all over the world and in any language, if a women feels that its the “man’s duty to pay for everything,”  you have found yourself a gold digger.

Here are a few more ways o tell…

If a chick uses the term “I wish” on any other day besides her birthday, you have a GOLD DIGGER.

If a chick doesn’t pay, (I didn’t say offer, she actually pays) for something within the first three dates…  GOLD DIGGER.

If she stops showing appreciation for gifts and starts “expecting” them… you guessed it, GOLD DIGGAHHHH

No one is  immune to this (well if you’re broke you kind of are), but be aware of these simple telltale signs and you will do well my friend.

You will thank me later

Doc

ManVice: Essential Skills

Studies show that the top 5 things woman want in a man are.

1. Being able to cook

2. Being able to fix a car

3. Being able to speak a foreign language

4. Being a handyman

5. Being able to talk to them

Ok… let me break this down into the cliffs notes version for you.

1. Always have at least 5 different take out menus at home.
2. Upgrade to AAA Gold or have a car that has a warranty.
3. Rosseta Stone (they have chat rooms that you can meet chicks in)
4. Own a hammer for Christ sake.
5. Smile, nod and ask questions when they are talking.

You will thank me later

Doc

ManVICE: Strippers… Strip.

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a hundred times… You can’t turn a whore into a house wife.

As cool as it might seem to you or your buddies, dating a stripper, go-go dancer or a waitress at a BREASTaurant is NOT cool.  Trust me when I say (from experience) it will become a nightmare unless you are Don The Magic Juan.  Dating anyone of the these and dealing with the repercussions is the equivalent to bringing a stray dog home and waking up to a house covered in shit and thennnn having the nerve to act surprised.   You need to take them at face value, a wonderful object to inflate your own bruised ego or infuriate your ex girlfriend with. Those are basically the only two reasons to ever bring anyone of them outside of their place of work. There are much deeper issues buried inside that 21 year old, covered in Victoria Secret perfume, that you are not qualified to handle, so please don’t try.

You will thank me later

Don

ManVice: Take a Mulligan

Just because you blow your first opportunity doesn’t mean it’s game over. Here are a few common bad firsts – bad first date, bad first sexual experience (two pump chump), bad pick up line.  All of these can be overcome with the right game plan.  Now granted most of you are scumbags to the core and could care less, but lets face it, nobody likes to lose.

Studies have shown women like a man who can adjust and overcome (don’t ask what studies),  it gives them a glimpse of your “character.”

Here is a three point plan for success.

1. Call yourself on the mistake, it makes you look funny/charming.  Hiding it or not recognizing it, only makes it look worse.

2.  Make sure you do the exact opposite of what you did to screw up the first time.  Example – Mr. two pumps needs to bring the pain on round two.

3.  Never ever gloat,  gloating only makes it look like whatever you did to make up for it was out of the norm.  Act like you’ve been there before.

You can thank me later

Doc

ManVice: SUPERSIZE ME

Eat better feel better. Have you ever been to a Whole Foods at lunch time? Try it, its better then Ladies Night at a college bar.  Eating fast food is the equivalent to drunk texting your ex, nothing good comes of it the morning after.  Here are two simple reasons why you need to stop eating fast food.

1. When is the last time you saw a hot chick at a fast food restaurant? If you think she was hot, think about the fact she will be in the bathroom the same way you will after that meal. Not so hot anymore…
2. Only time its cute to be fat and sluggish is if you are a bull dog named Chunks.

You will thank me later

Doc

ManVice: Look eye… Always look eye.

If she isn’t paying attention she isn’t interested…  Texting, looking around or picking at her nails… CHECK PLEASE?! Take notice my friend because if she’s not focused on you she is 100% thinking about the last guy she was with or the next guy she will be with. Pack it up and move quickly, worst thing that can happen: you walked away with some pride or she thinks you’re playing hard to get and falls in love….A cant lose in my eyes.

You can thank me later

Doc

The Perfect Nap

we’ve all woken up like this ^ before.

 

Is it possible? I feel like this is something I’ve been searching for since I was a toddler. I hate naps, I love naps, I hate naps, I love naps. I’m up.

Everyone knows that “out of it” feeling you have after a nap.. am I really pissed off or am I well rested.. is that MY hand? Where am I.. ughh I am so thirsty.

I call it post nap syndrome and frankly I am surprised there is not a post nap pill yet.. (Idea number two.. I want 25%  if you create it).

See, we all know naps are like a box of chocolates you really never know what you’re gonna get, but what if you could control a nap and use it to your advantage? would you feel guilty taking them anymore? Or would you own them?

Guide to a perfect nap:

Keep it under 60 minutes or over 90… you don’t want to wake up feeling like Rain Man, that miniature gap between 60 and 90 minutes is where the post nap syndrome sets in… above 90 minutes you go through cycles of un-interrupted sleep, where as under 60 minutes keeps you fresh and allows you to oil up the gears. That’s your classical nap..

If you want to be edgy and hip with your nap, try the “Caffeine Nap“. A caffeine nap is where you time your caffeine intake to just before you lay down as it takes about 20 to 30 minutes to kick in leaving you rested and energetic as you wake up. But don’t take my word for it.. try it.

Some Ideas and Studies in This post originally appeared on the Medical Coding & Billing blog.

ManVice: STOP… NO… DON’T…

Whoever told you texting pictures of your junk to a chick was a good idea… was an effing MORON. If athletes, politicians and Fortune 500 business leaders have lost it all because of this, what makes you think you are immune? It’s dumb and you are dumb to think that a picture of you package will NOT come back to haunt you. Women are spiteful creatures by nature… smarten up!

You will thank me later

Doc

How to Interview for Success

Nailed It!

Is your office closing down soon? Are you getting laid off or shit canned? No worries bro, Dom Mazzetti has you covered..

ManVice: 1

There is nothing quite like a shorn scrotum… It’s breathtaking… I suggest you try it.

Let’s be clear fellas, chicks hate hairy balls… They can deal with some upper pubes but balls must be kept in check. Make it part of your shaving ritual, shave your face and shave the sack.   Oh and be careful.

You can thank me later

Doc

Hangover Cure

I think the real move here is to eat really salty eggs with a beer the next day, but what do I know? 😐

 

 

http://blip.tv/mansome/episode-47-surviving-a-hangover-6385040

Romney: “I was completely wrong”

Mitt Romney said he was “completely wrong” when he argued that nearly half of Americans were “victims” and dependent on government.

Last month, secretly recorded video of Romney showed him saying 47% of Americans will vote for President Barack Obama “no matter what.”

“There are 47% who are with him, who are dependent on government, who believe that, that they are victims, who believe that government has the responsibility to care for them. Who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing.”

Ok Ok can anyone say RED FLAG?

Walk with me here….

You get caught cheating, red handed no less.  You have two instant options you can choose from AND you have you think fast…well three but running away as fast as you can doesn’t necessarily apply here.  1. “Baby, Baby I can explainnnnn!”  Or 2.  “I know what I did was wrong, will you forgive me?”  😦 Word to the wise ALWAYS choose option #1!!!  Use big words, speak in circles, show empathy,  point the blame elsewhere, but whatever you do, no matter what, don’t say you knew what you did was wrong.  You’re only saying that cause you got caught sucker.  Now I’m not taking sides yet here, but it makes you think a little.  Hypothetically, Mitt Romney is president, he bombs lets sayyyyyy Deleware.  Then he takes a month to come out and say….ehhhhh I was completely wrong.  Bottom line when hunting for a president of the great and wonderful U.S of A, we the people look for someone who is never wrong.  Orrr can confuse the shit out of us to make us think that they weren’t wrong.  Either way I’m calling bad move here Mitt.  Real bad.

Miggles

See More MasonJar News Here

Vick Has Blown Through $30 Million Since His Release

Ever wonder how in the hell anyone of these athletes can be broke??  Many of  us go through our daily lives paying our bills, scraping to get by and somehow we manage.  Then we see these high profile athletes claiming bankruptcy and we’re like how in the hell?!?  Well Mike Vick is a prime example of how it happens.  Lets take the $30 mill he’s made and gone through since his release.

– $10.9 went to taxes

– $9.2 mil went to creditors

– $2.7 went to lawyers and accountants

– The rest is for various things, including child support and living expenses.

This leaves him about $1.5 Million to live off of until his pay day comes in next year.  ($35 mill guaranteed) Now don’t get me wrong, the guy is far from broke, especially for a guy who’s supposedly “bankrupt” …gotta love America.  So I guess what I’m trying to say here is, this is a lesson here to all the rookies on the come up.  1.  Stay out of JAIL!  2.  Wrap up.  3.  Ditch the posse.  4.  Live your life like this isnt gonna last forever (especially football players).  And finally you only need one Bentley.  Take some advice from Shaq, he didn’t spend one penny of his NBA paychecks.  Yep that’s right he banked it all and lived off his endorsements.  Now I’m sure his endorsements were pretty good compared to the rest, but at least he had a plan.  He’s done and gone from the NBA and still living very large (pun).

WM

The 5 Different Types of Sluts

1.  The Slut Who Genuinely Loves Sex – Thisis the true definition of “slut”: a woman who loves sex and ain’t nobody going to stop her from getting what she wants.

2.  The Slut Who Sleeps Around To Find Self-Esteem – The one that sleeps around because you think it will make your people like you.  These sluts have lots of sex partners and/or lots of sex, but don’t enjoy themselves 😦

3. The Rebellious Slut –  It’s hard to say. Maybe this is something she genuinely wants to do. Maybe this is something she’s just doing to piss people off.  Either way we solute you!

4. The “Like A Virgin” Slut –  Maybe this slut just came out of the closet. Maybe she just realized she’s into whips and chains.  Maybe she’s found a position that finally feels good. Or maybe she’s slept with a guy who is finally doing it right. Whatever her case, she’s f**king because everything is shiny and new and she just can’t get enough! The novelty may eventually wear off … but then again, it may not. And that’s OK, too!

5.  The Slut Who Sleeps Around To Get Ahead – This slut pretends shes attracted to power, but deep down shes doing this in the hopes it propels her from the bottom to the top (pun intended).

WM