ManVice: “Hey Nutjob take off the Van Halen T-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up”

We all know there are some crazy ass chicks out there.   Listen, if you have to say “no, she is actually really cool” nine times out of ten you have Freddy Krueger himself as a girlfriend.  Luckily for you, there are some tell tale signs  that are routinely overlooked.

1. She stalks you. “Hey babe, I didn’t know you were in this Fantasy Football league too!” 😐

2. She needs constant attention. “Look at me, Look at me!!”

3. She gets physical during arguments. (touching you should be strictly back rubs or some type of porn star quality act)

4. She makes paranoid assumptions. “Who was that?” “Why were you late?” “Let me smell your underwear” 😐

5. She is extremely jealous. “Why is that waitress smiling at you?”

If you spot even just 1 of these 5, break up with her asap.  VIA TEXT

You will thank me later

Doc

ManVice: Screw me once…

It’s an old  saying, but it always reigns true. Screw me once shame on you… Screw me twice shame on me.

If you have a “friend” that joined your fantasy league and never paid when he lost in the first round of the playoffs, don’t invite him the following year. If you go to a bartender and they pour you a weak drink, the second will be just as bad.  If you’re dating a girl and she cheated on you once… she is a cheating whore that does not deserve a second chance.  Live your life by this simple rule and you will be a better man for it.

You will thank me later

Doc

ManVice: The GOLD DIGGER

I have traveled all over the world and in any language, if a women feels that its the “man’s duty to pay for everything,”  you have found yourself a gold digger.

Here are a few more ways o tell…

If a chick uses the term “I wish” on any other day besides her birthday, you have a GOLD DIGGER.

If a chick doesn’t pay, (I didn’t say offer, she actually pays) for something within the first three dates…  GOLD DIGGER.

If she stops showing appreciation for gifts and starts “expecting” them… you guessed it, GOLD DIGGAHHHH

No one is  immune to this (well if you’re broke you kind of are), but be aware of these simple telltale signs and you will do well my friend.

You will thank me later

Doc

ManVice: Essential Skills

Studies show that the top 5 things woman want in a man are.

1. Being able to cook

2. Being able to fix a car

3. Being able to speak a foreign language

4. Being a handyman

5. Being able to talk to them

Ok… let me break this down into the cliffs notes version for you.

  1. Always have at least 5 different take out menus at home.
  2. Upgrade to AAA Gold or have a car that has a warranty.
  3. Rosseta Stone (they have chat rooms that you can meet chicks in)
  4. Own a hammer for Christ sake.
  5. Smile, nod and ask questions when they are talking.

You will thank me later

Doc

ManVICE: Strippers… Strip.

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a hundred times… You can’t turn a whore into a house wife.

As cool as it might seem to you or your buddies, dating a stripper, go-go dancer or a waitress at a BREASTaurant is NOT cool.  Trust me when I say (from experience) it will become a nightmare unless you are Don The Magic Juan.  Dating anyone of the these and dealing with the repercussions is the equivalent to bringing a stray dog home and waking up to a house covered in shit and thennnn having the nerve to act surprised.   You need to take them at face value, a wonderful object to inflate your own bruised ego or infuriate your ex girlfriend with. Those are basically the only two reasons to ever bring anyone of them outside of their place of work. There are much deeper issues buried inside that 21 year old, covered in Victoria Secret perfume, that you are not qualified to handle, so please don’t try.

You will thank me later

Don

ManVice: Take a Mulligan

Just because you blow your first opportunity doesn’t mean it’s game over. Here are a few common bad firsts – bad first date, bad first sexual experience (two pump chump), bad pick up line.  All of these can be overcome with the right game plan.  Now granted most of you are scumbags to the core and could care less, but lets face it, nobody likes to lose.

Studies have shown women like a man who can adjust and overcome (don’t ask what studies),  it gives them a glimpse of your “character.”

Here is a three point plan for success.

1. Call yourself on the mistake, it makes you look funny/charming.  Hiding it or not recognizing it, only makes it look worse.

2.  Make sure you do the exact opposite of what you did to screw up the first time.  Example – Mr. two pumps needs to bring the pain on round two.

3.  Never ever gloat,  gloating only makes it look like whatever you did to make up for it was out of the norm.  Act like you’ve been there before.

You can thank me later

Doc

ManVice: SUPERSIZE ME

Eat better feel better. Have you ever been to a Whole Foods at lunch time? Try it, its better then Ladies Night at a college bar.  Eating fast food is the equivalent to drunk texting your ex, nothing good comes of it the morning after.  Here are two simple reasons why you need to stop eating fast food.

1. When is the last time you saw a hot chick at a fast food restaurant? If you think she was hot, think about the fact she will be in the bathroom the same way you will after that meal. Not so hot anymore…
2. Only time its cute to be fat and sluggish is if you are a bull dog named Chunks.

You will thank me later

Doc

ManVice: Look eye… Always look eye.

If she isn’t paying attention she isn’t interested…  Texting, looking around or picking at her nails… CHECK PLEASE?! Take notice my friend because if she’s not focused on you she is 100% thinking about the last guy she was with or the next guy she will be with. Pack it up and move quickly, worst thing that can happen: you walked away with some pride or she thinks you’re playing hard to get and falls in love….A cant lose in my eyes.

You can thank me later

Doc

ManVice: STOP… NO… DON’T…

Whoever told you texting pictures of your junk to a chick was a good idea… was an effing MORON. If athletes, politicians and Fortune 500 business leaders have lost it all because of this, what makes you think you are immune? It’s dumb and you are dumb to think that a picture of you package will NOT come back to haunt you. Women are spiteful creatures by nature… smarten up!

You will thank me later

Doc

ManVice: 1

There is nothing quite like a shorn scrotum… It’s breathtaking… I suggest you try it.

Let’s be clear fellas, chicks hate hairy balls… They can deal with some upper pubes but balls must be kept in check. Make it part of your shaving ritual, shave your face and shave the sack.   Oh and be careful.

You can thank me later

Doc